Larry, the Ph.D.’er

I won’t give Larry’s real last name, fearing an underhanded attack more than a law suit, so let’s say I call him Larry the Idiot, very soon to be known as Larry the Idiot, Ph.D., or Dr. Larry the Idiot. He was working hard, but maybe not hard enough, to fulfill the stringent requirements needed to be awarded his Ph.D. His field was experimental psychology.

Here’s how I met Mr. idiot. I was sitting in the wait-your-turn area of the Emergency Room at General Hospital because my primary care doctor wasn’t around. Dr. Tran was at some medical convention, and I don’t care for his partner. I was told by the doctors’ receptionist, “If that’s what’s happened, please hold.” I held a good while. She comes back on the line. “I looked up your file. You need a tetanus shot and you need one right now.”

“Okay, I’ll go to General Hospital’s Emergency Room,” I said

“You can come in here now and Dr … ” but before she could finish, I hung up on her. Yeah, it was rude of me.

A rusty nail into my bare foot. That’s why I’m sitting here waiting in General Hospital. And this is how I met the soon-to-be idiot doctor. This very thin, lanky young guy comes over and sits down next to me. We’re both waiting. After awhile he strikes up a conversation. “What do you do for a living?” he asked.

“I’m retired, but I’m an on and off freelance writer.”

“No shit!” he exclaimed, “What do you write?”

Not wanting to disclose what I do, I misdirected. “Please, I’m working on something now. If I talk about it or my other work, it’ll hinder what I’m doing right now, and there’s no kill fee for this article. Tell me about yourself.”

“Why not? It’ll pass the time for us.” He then pulls out this erotic book. “See this erotic book? It’s the guide to 101 different sex positions, and it’s my ticket to my Ph.D. degree.”

Oh, God. Now, getting slightly uncomfortable with my new waiting room neighbor, I paused and made a strange face.

“Let me explain,” said the overly enthusiastic graduate. “I have to have something to present a graduate school committee, something that hasn’t been done before.”

He then turned his full face to me. This guy even looked a little off.

“The title of my thesis is ‘A Survey of How the Choice of Sex Positions Determines One’s Physical Characteristics and One’s Personality.’”

I smothered a smile. What the hell could I possibly say, except, “That’s a long title.”

He laughed. “All theses’ titles are long.”

Looking as sincere I could, I asked, “Why are you doing this?”

“Why? That’s an easy question to answer. To get a secure job at a university in teaching or lab-work at a drug company.”

“What’s the lab work involve.”

“Using statistical research to discover new drugs,” he quipped.

“Oh, how do you go about doing that?”

Curiously looking around, he quietly whispers, “You fake it.”

Now, being almost insulted, I reply, “So … how do you know if it really works?”

“It doesn’t need to work. Take for instance my thesis. I just play matchmaker, come up with some crack-pot, sex position rationale for its success, and in a nutshell, that’s the meat of my thesis. I lie when I match them up — it’s all random. And since it takes more money and effort to prove its validity, it is smarter to just go with it.”

Shaking my head with disgust. “With that weird thesis, what chances have you of meeting the requirements for a doctor’s degree? I mean come on, sex positions?”

“Trust me. I’ll be a Ph.D.’er next month.”

I don’t believe this crud, I told myself. Either Larry’s an idiot or I’m an idiot. The nurse called my name. Just in time. “Bye, Larry.” So long, you idiot!

Thinking Back

I can’t stop thinking about the two thoughts on science and medicine. You have absolute, hard number kind of science (weightloss will increase from .1 lb of fat loss per week to .3 lb per week), and relative, soft number kind of science that can easily mislead (improves your weightloss by three fold!). Absolute numbers are dry, boring, tedious and exact; it lacks pizazz. Relative numbers, on the other hand, are exciting, flexible and full of punch!

Hard science research versus Dr. Idiot and his just-a-means-to-an-end centered research; both are on the hunt for new medicine. Hard science doesn’t have a chance today with guys like Larry. These people only care about creating the end result for drug companies because that’s where the big money is; truth and accuracy be damned.

The following quote is from “An Introduction To Scientific Research” by E. Bright Wilson, Jr.

“If the research was an applied one, the question remains: “Does it work in practice?” After all, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. The testing of new methods, products, or materials in practice is … [known as] … Operational Research.

–30–