Broke, busted? The kids are starving. And is your spouse cruising, on the hunt for a sugar daddy or else for a queen bee with lots of stored honey? Face the facts when you’re not worth a dime. You’re broke, busted! Down and out! You know it; your partner or spouse knows it, the kids know it, and the neighbors know it.

What can you do? Hara-kiri? Hell no! Then, what will you do? Well, you can go home again. It has been said that “home” is where they have to take you in when you go there.

If your parents’ home is in Arizona and you’re in New Jersey, how do you get to Arizona without money? I don’t know. Walk? Can you get there by walking and not die on the way? Back in the 30’s you could hop a freight train and ride for free. That was then; I don’t know about today. Your other options?

There’s an old saw which was a silent-movie scene where the lead character is out in the cold, broke, hungry, needs a bed for the night. So he throws a rock through a plate-glass window of a shop to break it and thus break the law — and what do you know? — he gets arrested, gets fed and earns a warm jail-house bed. Such stunts are not recommended in today’s ugly world. And it is a rude world, too, isn’t it? Break a window, and yes, you will be in jail but at the mercy of those behind bars, very likely ending up as the male inmates’ new boy-toy or … It’s an awful kind of sex unless you’ve been on the lookout for such an ideal live-in, beat-me-lover, sex role in life.

And here’s the worst part about this bed-and-breakfast in-jail plan. The cops these days, in answering, for you, someone’s 911 call, probably — hey, will — shoot you 97 times in the heart if you should sneeze. Or shoot 97 bullets at you if maybe you should call out, “Over here! Here I am!” while waving a raised hand. Soooo, Nix on the going-to-jail scheme.

Well? And do what? — Go home! Somehow, someway, and as a last resort, phone your parents collect for the bus fare home. However, it is much better to show up on their doorstep unannounced. Surprise! This always works. They’ll welcome you as the Prodigal Son. Or as the Prodigal Daughter. Oh yes they will.

Returning Home will challenge anyone who hasn’t been back to visit in years. You will discover some things and some people (although older) are the same and the rest different. That snow-covered mountain you rode your sled down is — how can it be? — a moderately inclined street, not even a hill. Where are the many small businesses that used to be downtown? The restaurants? Wow! All the public schools, including those from the nearby smaller towns, have merged into one huge school district. Hey, is the bowling alley still there? And the old farmer’s market? Things have changed while you were away. Deal with it. But, alas, your folks haven’t changed.

How do you deal with your parents and in-laws, if any? You broke away from home to become independent. When you return home, you’ll once again be under your parents’ watchful eye. You’re still their child, not an adult. Be prepared and take a stand on day one of arrival; make them aware of the differences that have come about in you since you left.

You’re back and they may have more new rules. They have their expectations, but you have your own limits. Sit down and talk with your parents about this new at-home relationship. Be nice. Be polite and listen to them; just because you pay attention to what they have to say, does not mean you’re agreeing to what’s been said. Compromise; work things out. Bring up the division of chores with your being back now in the family mix. You may need an out-of-pocket allowance for food snacks, candy, magazines, movies, bus fare…. Be upfront. Ask for a weekly allowance. Let them count what money you have left in your wallet to dramatize how poor you really are these days.

There’s no need to explain in detail why you all are coming to live at your parents’ house or their apartment (An apartment is okay with sleeping bags). “The economy sucks and we lost our jobs,” will suffice. Your folks probably are wondering why you haven’t called sooner.

Avoid show and tell. You will want to do some things where mum is the word. Like, smoking cigarettes on the sly, moderate drinking, and sex. Take sex as an example. Where will you do it, solo or with another? Suppose you can’t do it inside your parent’s house? What about the back yard?

Sex in the outdoors? Why not? When I lived in Philly, a local radio station once invited calls-ins on the best hidden-from-public-sight, to-do-sex, outdoor places in the city. Free from hassle, free from 911ers. Their radio listeners provided the radio station with about 30 secluded trysting places, all outdoors within the city limits of Philadelphia. And the DJ announced a to-do-it place that was located about two blocks from me when I lived on Fairmont Avenue. I kid you not! I even went there. Twice.

While you’re doing it, caution and watchfulness comes first (as if that’s always possible during the act.) Just this week in Harrisburg, Penna, a pilot and a flight attendant were caught doing it while nude in some woods behind a diner around 9:30 p.m. Both were suspended by their employer, Pinnacle Airlines, and both were under arrest. So, caution and watchfulness!

Additional difficulties will arise from your return to home, but you can overcome them. Remember, this relocation will not be forever. Good luck.

One last thing: You should start a Getaway Fund. Forget about playing the lottery. Avoid another guy’s get-rich schemes. And, please, no armed robberies! Instead, squirrel away every nickel and dollar that comes your way. When Mom and Uncle Ricky treat you and et al. to a restaurant dinner, linger behind to be last, and scoop up the tip money that your relatives left behind on the table. Don’t get caught or you’ll wish you were dead! And later, you may want to tell yourself, minor ethics be damned when I’m down and out. //Been there, done that//

A couple of dollars from here and from there — you lock away that saved money in your Getaway Fund. Save small change money like those “Keep the change” amounts. Run a regular check for lost coins under the cushions of your parents’ couch and sofa-chairs. Car seats, too. Return cans and bottles for their deposits.

Just what is a Getaway Fund? It’s exactly that — it’s money you saved with which to get away from home or away from whatever place whenever you can’t take any more shit. Only you know that you have such money hidden away. It works as insurance in that by having a Getaway Fund and knowing it exists, you don’t feel trapped in any evil circumstances. Hey, no sweat! when you know you have the money to walk out the door at any moment. And often just that thought alone helps you persevere and endure just about anything that turns bad, even so very bad.

And the time when you must get away may come in a life-threatening situation caused by a natural disaster. Two important warnings about your Getaway Fund: Keep your Getaway Fund (1) well-hidden and (2) a secret from others.

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