Gitmo Rendition Camp.

The prisoners know from day one the proposed torture ain’t going to work. How so? Listen, say, Randolph will tell you why:

What is this? They put a blindfold on me, ball gag in my mouth, wrap duct tape around my head, put a hood over my head and put large head phones over my ears. I can’t see, I can’t smell, I can’t hear, I can’t talk. I feel vibrations so I’m going somewhere. No matter. I can, though, think. Let me see, if they were going to kill me…hmmm. They wouldn’t bother with all that shit, would they? Nope. That means they don’t want me to know where I’m going. Which, thank the Heavens, means they won’t kill me. They may torture me, but they won’t kill me because I’m coming back alive. Hoo-waaa! Isn’t that grand? Isn’t life grand? Now, what kind of secrets can I make up that will spin these mother-muckers around? Ah, here’s something that will knock their shoes off. WMD — Whopper from McDonald’s. Yeah, I’ll tell them about WMD’s. Yeah!

Doing the mummy-trick on a new prisoner is liking buying him or her a round-trip ticket. “It should be interesting but I’ll be back.” I got the WMD made-up secret from one of Unum’s articles. Thanks, Unum, for the stimulus suggestion. I know whoppers come from Burger King, but “WBK” don’t make it.

Let’s look closer at Randolph’s situation. Oh, you may say, I know they must give this guy lie detector tests and they know when they beat something out of the guy, he’s telling the truth.

Hogwash, I have a good friend, John. Not too long ago, John had to take a lie detector test to qualify for a job. This guy John has been around. In other words, his brains are always hatching ideas, never the fried-brains kind of thoughts. So he checks out the library’s computer on lie detector machines and he practices “truth” responses. John went in for the interview, took the lie detector test and during which he lied and lied. He passed. He got the job! Give it a try yourself when it’s necessary.

Some time ago a so-so friend of mine had to pass a urine test. David was dirty. I went with him to the back of the clinic and peed into a bottle within a large mouth plastic bottle surrounded by hot water he had brought from home in a thermos. He took it in, into the men’s room and transferred my urine warmed by the hot water into the specimen bottle. Out he went and outside, the equipment scanned the urine specimen, registered it as warm right out of a body and at the right temperature, and bingo! he passed with my good piss.

Oh, yes, the government agents are pros. Hey, but Rudolph, the terrorist, is a pro, too. A better pro.

Oh, as for brain-wave technology, you can override the results by saying repeatedly to yourself. “One, One, Eleven, One, One, Eleven, One, One, Eleven…” during the setup. This mantra produces alpha positive brain waves in your brain while you say it over and over.

Ask me a question and I’ll tell you a lie.
Y-e-s, by Gawk!

-30-